It’s August. The month you left us. It’s been almost a year since you’ve been gone and it just feels like yesterday. It feels just yesterday I woke up late than usual to messages of your demise. For a few minutes I couldn’t gather myself. It’s been a year but there are days when I find myself guilty for being distant from you in the last few months, there are nights when I cant sleep, I keep guessing what must’ve triggered you that night to take such a major step. Every time I see Captain America merchandise it reminds me of you and your endless love for it ( after shawarma of course). There are days when I visit your Instagram profile, see our pic and swear, swear because I didn’t deserve a friend like you, even when we weren’t speaking, you had my back, you looked out for me, shut down my haters. Good humans turn angels and so have you. I know you’re always protecting and loving me from above. Until we meet again, I’m going to see our pictures and videos and smile.

Gone too soon ❤

| Chinmay Dewoolkar 24.08.2019 |

Back in February, I heard the first news of a Covid-19 positive patient in the country.

I had a bad cold which wouldn’t leave and so did many students in the class and we’d casually tease each other, ‘Corona ? ‘ ‘Stay away, don’t touch me, I don’t want Corona.’

Our entire month went the usual in college busy with our assignments and project work. The month passed and the cases of Corona kept increasing in the country and mostly in my city, Mumbai.

On 13th March, my project group had a poster presentation in another college, where about 1600+ students were present. Our parents weren’t in favor of letting us go because crowd meant more chances of being prone to the virus. But we went anyway and decided not to go for the other competitions that were lined up in the coming weeks. We reached home by 6:30 PM and on 8:30 the college put up a notice on their site declaring the college closed till 31st march.

Our college or any other college for that matter hadn’t declared anything as such and we were scared. What if they declared the college close because someone was tested positive or showed symptoms there.

After a day all colleges and school declared to be closed till 31st.

And now began the real deal.

Everyone was expected to stay at home, leave only for necessary reasons. Well it was something I love, staying at home doing only what I like and watch everything I’ve missed all these days because of college. In spite of multiple announcements and posts online, people still kept leaving their houses and that’s when the country went into lock down.

The one’s around me had their versions of quarantine; some of them studying and acquiring skills that would be useful in placements. Some preparing for placement by working on their aptitude skills, watching shows , reading, giving a shot to learn an instrument, draw, write, start their You Tube channel or blogs, playing board games, spending time with parents and family members which they weren’t able to because of their hectic schedule. Everyone had their different version of quarantine. Some hated staying home and not being able to go out meet friends or eat their favorite foods .

Well mine was different. My aunt wasn’t well and was admitted to a local hospital a day after the lock down, her situation improved and she was sent home. At home she wasn’t 100% cured and yet we didn’t go to visit her because we were supposed to be in quarantine.

It was 4 days later, when the doctor came home to check her BP and found it low she was immediately admitted to the best hospital in our locality. The doctors first denied admitting her, on requesting and making them understand how critical the situation was they admitted her to ICCU. (due to corona only critical cases were attended by the hospital.)

After the test results were out it was found that her kidney was at 5% functionality and immediate dialysis was needed to be done. The dialysis started next day evening, shortness of breath occurred due to which my aunt was put on ventilator. They stopped the dialysis for time being and the dialysis was done at 10 PM now. Doctors had just started the procedure and she faced a heart attack.

Due to corona, only 1 family member was allowed to stay in the hospital premises. My cousin who is hardly 20 was there. The doctor came out and asked him to call a guardian. He called home and everyone somewhere deep inside knew what had happened. At 10:54 they handed him the ECG report and he texted his sister. We were all in front of our temple praying and my cousin read the text and suddenly we didn’t believe in the idols who we were praying to. Some cried while some cursed and most of us couldn’t believe what had happened in a jiffy.

My aunt was like a mother to me. Losing her is something I wont get over, ever. No amount of condolences can bring her back and fill the void.

Many people are sad or bored because they can’t go out, my family is facing another crisis. The crisis of losing someone and that too a healthy and fit person with no previous medical history.

When quarantine ends, everyone’s life is gonna get back on track but I don’t know if my family will ever get back on track and will be able to accept our loss.

Yet another year that hasn’t given me a good start. I took part in multiple sport’s where you could say I performed well and I still lost. From being a failure to being used and having fallout’s with ‘friends’ this year had a great start. I go into hiding because that’s what I do the best after sleeping. But hiding or staying low key or reading ‘positive’ / ‘life changing’ books don’t have any affect on me because deep inside I’m unhappy and I really don’t know why but I’m sure one day I’ll know and it wont be late by then. Till then I’ll watch stand up comedy which I won’t find funny, attend crowded DJ night’s where amidst the crowd I’ll stand still and try to figure why can’t I enjoy electronic dance music like people around me are, dress up but still feel inferior, laugh but stop in the middle to question if it’s me or the demons in my head whose laugh I just heard, eat pastries and pizza and drink coke and lay in my bed all day scrolling quotes on Tumblr, reading hacks and recipes on Pinterest, posting funny yet relatable tweets and reading motivational stories on LinkedIn.

Till then I’ll be the usual.

I remember it was till I was in 7th standard.

I used to love dressing up.

Trying different hairstyles, always wearing long earrings and chains or necklaces and bracelets and carried a side purse/bag. I used to also own so many different shoes & sandals.

I used to love dressing up.

It’s when 8th started, something weird happened to me. Maybe it was puberty or maybe it was depression. Whatever it was, changed me.

I stopped dressing up. I felt no matter what I’d do or wear I would never look pretty or be good enough. I stopped doing everything I used to do earlier.

Now it was just the same grey top and pair of jeans every alternate day.

A part of me died. The “Dolled Up” part of me, was dead.

I’m 19 now and I still don’t like dressing up.

The only difference is now I have a valid reason or infact a reason. I don’t like dressing up now because I don’t have time.

That’s what I tell myself, that’s what I tell my mom and the ones around me think I’m a “tomboy” so don’t really expect much.

I really don’t know how and what happened and I stopped dressing up and turned into the “Lousy” girl I am today. Sometimes I really wish I could start all over and maybe love myself better and not consider any opinion important enough to change my choices.

Single.

Married.

Widow.

Divorced.

Engaged.

Homemaker.

Ambitious.

Workaholic.

Bossy.

Rude.

Slut.

Bitchy.

Too friendly.

Strong.

Independent.

How.Long.Till.We.Only.Get.Called.By.Our.Name.And.Not.By.A.Tag.

Depression.

Just like air, can’t be seen only felt.

It does make me sad and doesn’t let me sleep at nights or puts me into thoughts randomly, what actually goes through a persons’ head that they don’t share it and the only escape they have is ending their life.

It’s been two months since Chinmay has gone, I still can’t get over it. I cannot express how it feels but I just wanted to type this out and let people know, depression is real and it does show it’s signs. Do Not take it as a joke and definitely not mock someone regarding this. If you can’t console at least don’t say hurtful things.

“Thomas Edison’s last words were “It’s very beautiful over there“. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.”

I really hope you’ve found peace.

Forever in our hearts 24.08.2019

I’ve been a victim of depression since the last 8 years and I’ve had my break points, there have been days when I’ve done nothing but thought about dying. But it’s only after this loss I feel how selfish I would be if I would end things every time there seemed no way out, but there’s more to life and me , I’m going to fight my depression and I’m going to help everyone around me.

I have and I will continue to listen to people, help them out & be there for them.

I read all the time. Books,quotes,articles everything that comes In front of me, I read.

I happened to read somewhere,”It all seems the hardest thing until you do it and after that it’s the easiest goddamn thing in the world.”

This quote has been ringing in my head since my results have come out.

I’ve always been an average kid in academics and in mathematics? Oh I’ve been worse than average. You could call me a failure and ‘family disgrace’. All my life I’d been running from math and the more I ran the more gigantic and scary it got. So scary that at one point I would have faced a major slide back in my academic life because of it. In my university each subject is allowed to keep terms even after the respective semester is over. But you get only 2 chances to clear it after that you get a year back. Here I was, with my last,”Golden” chance to clear my backlog(s).

The entire year I had only cried and complained how unfair life is and how “god” never supports me and puts me through so much pain. But you know what? If you believe in god( even if you don’t ) remember; everyone, everyone is put on only by a particular amount of pressure which they can handle. You must’ve read in science as a kid how intense pressure results in the formation of a diamond. ( idk if you get the point but I tried)

The one subject I’ve disliked and tried to avoid my entire life was now standing in front of me. And wasn’t alone it had its 3 different levels too. And I had one chance to clear it all. Scary right? Well if you were me you’d know how bad days had been during those times. I had to give exams back to back and when I say back to back I mean Afternoon, next afternoon and next morning.

It seemed impossible to me. But I gave a shot. Of course it wasn’t a shot in the dark. It was a well planned, well executed (you could say so cos I got It done) event.

I used to hear some of my teachers tell their story about how they hated and flunked a particular subject and how they’re a professor for that particular subject and I used to think they’re just saying that to keep us positive and keep us going but it’s now that I feel ; they were just telling us the truth of life. The things we’re afraid of or the things we run from , are the things that are actually gonna test our potential and bring out the best in us.

Mathematics. The one subject that is the base for everything, specially in engineering. I faced it. My biggest weakness is now my biggest strength. Conquer your weakness and nobody can use it against you. Trust me.

I’ve always, always struggled and begged people to help me out with mathematics but nothing helped until I got to work on my own. In the end you’ve got to be your own hero. You’ve got to accept your flaws and you’ve got to overcome it and never let anyone use it against you.

I used to casually say (because I knew it wasn’t possible) “ If I clear all levels of math at one go, I’ll designate myself god”.

Deep inside, of course I wanted to be god, I wanted to do something nobody expected out of me, Not even a part of me.

But I did it.

And idk about me being a god but I know one god and he’s there above supporting and putting you through things only because he wants you to overcome your fear, your anger, your weakness, your flaws and most importantly to learn.

I’m 19 I still hadn’t travelled alone. This was my first time. On my flight from Mumbai to Muscat, my seat happened to be 19B. I had two men on the sides and I didn’t want to be seated that way hence exchanged places and got the outer seat, 19A. The entire flight I was quiet and alert, I didn’t feel comfortable for various reasons but I ignored and tried to read my book and stay awake. Not quite a pleasant experience for a first solo travel.

But on my way back to Mumbai, I happened to sit beside quiet a gentleman, named Mohammed Nabeel, who works in Al Naba, as a helper to the chef. We exchanged words when the turbulence was way too much for a normal no rainy weather flight. And then the conversation unfolded. He started by telling me what made him the last passenger to board the flight. He happened to be flying India for his daughter’s wedding and had excess luggage by up to 20 kgs. He was asked to pay extra but he couldn’t pay quiet that much and had to throw some of his own clothing and accessories, he couldn’t throw anything else as it was all for his daughter, she had asked him to get that from Muscat. He briefed me on his relation with his daughter and how everything she asks him he gets her at the first possible chance. He was expressing how grateful he was to the counter lady as she let him take up to 2 kgs without paying while for the rest he had to pay about 40 Rials and his salary happens to be 95rials.  He missed his daughters engagement because the company wasn’t providing leave and he had to make it to the wedding anyhow and caught the next flight. He took a MCT-MUM flight, would then fly to Hyderabad & by bus to Karnataka, Only so he could make it in time for his daughter’s wedding.  He showed me photos of his daughter and son; he was happy because every father dreams of his daughter being wedded in a well off family and prays for her happiness. His daughter, Yasmeen is 22 and son just passed his 12^th boards with 85% in science (which indeed is worth praising), which he is very proud of. His son wishes to pursue electrical engineering and Nabeel has decided to work harder back in Muscat for another 5 years until his son starts earning. He shared how dedicated his son is and how I resemble his daughter quiet. When the food was being served, I took veg and for/because of me he took veg too (rarely my friends eat veg when out with me and a stranger did that!). And told me, “sweet accha hai, zarur khana”. 

I visited Muscat alone, at home it was just me and my dad and my chacha(dad’s younger brother) would also join us on some days. All fathers are away from their kids and family only for the betterment of their kids. No one is happy alone, but they choose that life only so that we kids are happy and get whatever we wish for or what keeps us happy. Even though my dad has an office job he works for 10 hours straight and most days even 12-13, indeed their entire day goes at work but their minds are always at home, thinking if their kids are happy and doing well.

The message is small, they don’t do it for getting anything in return and they do it only for your happiness and wellbeing. When my mom says, “You won’t understand unless you become a parent” I think I know it already what she means. And I’ve felt it already. A man with a family to run is a man who sacrifices his dreams or goals, the most selfless creature on earth. Doesn’t just stop at fathers, even mothers, sisters and brothers who put their life and their dreams behind only for their family members deserve a blessing from above. Thank You for being so selfless and for putting us before everything!

Yes, I’m a “Bhaiya” and proud.

I’ve lived 16 years of my life out of India and never have I been questioned on how I don’t ‘look’ like a “Bhaiya”.

Well, are we “Bhaiyas” supposed to have “paaan” leaking out of our mouths or do we have to have our hands and feet painted in “laali”(red tint used to color feet and hands during special occasions) or we’ve got to have a “angocha”(red cotton cloth) around our necks and only then we’ll be convincing enough and YOU will believe us when we proudly say yes we are “bhaiyas”.

Before going ahead, why exactly are we called “Bhaiyas”? Well my theory on this is short, we love giving nicknames or short names to everyone, we call /tag the people from Gujarat as Gujarati’s, people from Maharashtra as Marathi’s,Rajasthan as Rajasthani’s,Kerela as Kerelites , Bihar as Bihari’s but what do you call someone from Uttar Pradesh? Uttar Pradeshi? Too big for your small mouth right? So you came up with “Bhaiya” which means “brother” and isn’t that what you use to call anyone around who isn’t your husband or father. After all, All Indians are my BROTHERS and sisters.

Let’s come to who all we call “Bhaiya” and how you guys associate us with it, Milk-man, Vegetable Vendor, Rickshaw drivers etc. The people who provide us our basic necessities/chores we call them brother or “Bhaiya” as a form of respect or mainly because they’re a stranger to you and what better to call than brother if you want to be “safe”.

And majority I’d say of Milkmen, Vegetable Vendor and Rickshaw drivers happen to be from Uttar Pradesh and that’s how you’ve generalised all the people from Uttar Pradesh as “Bhaiyas” and have come with a particular image of ALL of us in your heads. You just can’t accept if an IEEE president is from Uttar Pradesh or a particular actor in a particular show ‘looks good’ and delivers his dialogue well without an accent making it clear where he actually resides from or if you see any person being a native of Uttar Pradesh at any prestigious post such as IAS or IPS ( max officers are from UP btw) or of higher intellect because you HAVE generalised us to just rickshaw drivers and ‘dudh wala’. Of course I’m not saying these jobs are of any lower value or status, they in their place hold an important value and are equally important to complete the cycle of living, but why do you generalise? Who are you to judge if my writing and speaking skills are better than yours in spite of you studying in a “convent” school. Who are you to judge if I don’t have a nose piercing and you do or if I don’t wear a ‘payal’ and you do?

It’s all one’s personal choice. Just because I don’t do certain things or follow certain “customs” or for that matter “wear” certain things shouldn’t surprise you as to how I’m a “Bhaiya” and still not doing or following certain things and you are.

In the 4 years I’ve spent in India (Mumbai) the amount of people I’ve come across who’ve given me the “ You’re a Bhaiya? You don’t look like one” has risen so high that I had to rant to cool my mind.

I have “friends” who are always, ALWAYS complaining how some unknown “Bhaiya” in the train pushed them to make way or How some unknown aunty sat next to them in the rickshaw and had a particular oil smell which makes it so obvious she’s a “Bhaiya”. How a kid who swears while playing is surely a “Bhaiya” because only people from “North India” swear in Hindi everyone else is educated and use the “F word”.

Well for all these judgemental people,

Stop GENERALISING And stop dividing yourselves on the basis of states. How hard is it to call yourself Indian? Well even if you are proud of your state why do you have to joke on one’s culture or debate to prove which state and it’s people are better? I mean really? If I start doing that you’ll all lose so easily because I’ve got points from Uttar Pradesh being a huge contributor to the Indian Literature from Tulsi das to Munsi Premchand, Uttar Pradesh giving the country Atal Bihari Vajpayee as the eleventh Prime Minister of India, Uttar Pradesh being the highest seat provider in Lok Sabha to being Lord Ram’s birth place who so many of you( different state people) also worship. Having the highest population and largest land size to being a home to many UNESCO archaeological sites and guess what? The one wonder of the 7 wonders in the world, is also in Uttar Pradesh, out of all the states in India. From the beautiful Taj Mahal to the holy Ganges, Uttar Pradesh isn’t simplify called the land of holy rivers, the respect that the people of Uttar Pradesh give by addressing everyone as “aap”, their elders as well as the ones younger to them.Next time before you say a word against us UPites oh wait “Bhaiyas” think thrice because not everything you know or see is true about us. And don’t make me start a debate after reading this. Jai Shree Ram .

In my recovery, I’m a soldier at war,
I have broken down walls,
I defined.
I designed.
My recovery.

July 20^th 2018, the day it all began. The day I faced my first failure, in this list of failures that I have tagged to me. You know how they say, it all starts with one and you don’t even realise when it becomes 100. That happened to me. Not just academic failure but also social failure. I lost friends for various reasons, partly because of myself, because I wouldn’t agree with them on their plans etc. partly because I was done with having selfish people around me. Made myself distant and that made me a b*tch , that led to me getting hated and being judged and passed comments at. Well what did I do wrong? Choose who I actually wanted in life? Is that wrong?

Look at all the hate they keep on showing,
I don’t want to see that,
Look at all the stones they keep on throwing,
I don’t want to feel that.

From losing marks to losing friends, to not being able to keep anything at home sane, losing my cool each day, according to my parents I had ruined the peace of the house and now my sibling who was going to score 99% in his board exams will hardly even reach 90 because of my temper and negativity. (p.s. He got 96)

I would google “How to stay motivated”, “how to stay positive when you have hit rock bottom?”. All I would read was things that summed up to, “ The best part of hitting rock bottom is that the only place you go after that is UP!”.

I was being positive, hoping I’d go up and up and finally the graph of my life would be exponential and not a decaying curve. And that’s when the climax comes into the picture!

My life was no more a decaying curve, but it was a curve that was under the x axis in the 4^th quadrant. Yet another semester and I was not able to clear my backlog. And this time it was legit my last shot at it. And that one backlog wasn’t one anymore. It had been squared and what not.

You know In school how there was this healthy kid who nobody picked first during team selections? Well that is me in college. Nobody picked me for the project group and that was the day when the term “popular loner” made sense to me. And that’s when I realized, everyone wants to be friends with the smart kids in college(which I definitely wasn’t) nobody wants to do all the work.

Just when things were probably getting stable, came the defaulters list, because of which I had to get my mother to college. My mom, who only showed up in school for PTMs that too to only hear my praises, was called for being an irregular student. Whereas it wasn’t so. I’ve never made it to the defaulters in the previous semesters so what happened now? My mom’s insult made me leave all committees and now the only goal was to do better and avenge. But who was I kidding? In spite of studying so hard when I secured a bit over the passing mark in the class tests, I had given up.

I don’t want to play this game no more,
I don’t wanna play it,
I don’t want to stay ’round here no more,
I don’t wanna stay here,
Like rain on a Monday morning………
Like pain that just keeps on going on…………

The only escape and the only good thing that happened to me in this one year of dismay was my food blog.

Snappedfood.

My blog made me happy. It was my only music in the depressing silent life I was living.

Project, term tests,submissions,viva for everything, I worked my ass off. I attended all lectures since my mom was called to college. I attended on days when there were only 2 kids in class. I sat thru lectures even when my head hurt. I sat alone for lectures. I sat on the first bench. I did everything I could.

The best part of this “testing period” ( a teacher on hearing my failures used this word) is that, I learned a lot. I learned how nothing in my life is ever going to come easy. I’ll have to slog and struggle for everything. There ain’t such thing as luck.

Those quotes of how even your shadow leaves in your dark times is true to the core,

Cos trust me nobody, NOBODY knows what you’re going thru, only you do.

There have been days when I haven’t done anything, haven’t eaten, got out of bed, showered and have had constant suicidal thoughts, but there have also been days when I’ve hustled & grinded.

The ones I thought would help silently walked away while the ones I was afraid to ask for help, offered help on their own. People who I never expected came into this storm and helped me thru and the ones I expected don’t even exist anymore to me.

I’m grateful to god for showing me these days, but I also request him to not show them again.

The past year has been horrible, I only hope the month of July is rewarding.

In the sound of the sea,
In the oceans of me,
I defined.
I designed.
My recovery.

P.S. This song has been my motivation. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry but I’ve never been this calm. (Wouldn’t have been if not for this song.)