Testing period.

In my recovery, I’m a soldier at war,
I have broken down walls,
I defined.
I designed.
My recovery.

July 20^th 2018, the day it all began. The day I faced my first failure, in this list of failures that I have tagged to me. You know how they say, it all starts with one and you don’t even realise when it becomes 100. That happened to me. Not just academic failure but also social failure. I lost friends for various reasons, partly because of myself, because I wouldn’t agree with them on their plans etc. partly because I was done with having selfish people around me. Made myself distant and that made me a b*tch , that led to me getting hated and being judged and passed comments at. Well what did I do wrong? Choose who I actually wanted in life? Is that wrong?

Look at all the hate they keep on showing,
I don’t want to see that,
Look at all the stones they keep on throwing,
I don’t want to feel that.

From losing marks to losing friends, to not being able to keep anything at home sane, losing my cool each day, according to my parents I had ruined the peace of the house and now my sibling who was going to score 99% in his board exams will hardly even reach 90 because of my temper and negativity. (p.s. He got 96)

I would google “How to stay motivated”, “how to stay positive when you have hit rock bottom?”. All I would read was things that summed up to, “ The best part of hitting rock bottom is that the only place you go after that is UP!”.

I was being positive, hoping I’d go up and up and finally the graph of my life would be exponential and not a decaying curve. And that’s when the climax comes into the picture!

My life was no more a decaying curve, but it was a curve that was under the x axis in the 4^th quadrant. Yet another semester and I was not able to clear my backlog. And this time it was legit my last shot at it. And that one backlog wasn’t one anymore. It had been squared and what not.

You know In school how there was this healthy kid who nobody picked first during team selections? Well that is me in college. Nobody picked me for the project group and that was the day when the term “popular loner” made sense to me. And that’s when I realized, everyone wants to be friends with the smart kids in college(which I definitely wasn’t) nobody wants to do all the work.

Just when things were probably getting stable, came the defaulters list, because of which I had to get my mother to college. My mom, who only showed up in school for PTMs that too to only hear my praises, was called for being an irregular student. Whereas it wasn’t so. I’ve never made it to the defaulters in the previous semesters so what happened now? My mom’s insult made me leave all committees and now the only goal was to do better and avenge. But who was I kidding? In spite of studying so hard when I secured a bit over the passing mark in the class tests, I had given up.

I don’t want to play this game no more,
I don’t wanna play it,
I don’t want to stay ’round here no more,
I don’t wanna stay here,
Like rain on a Monday morning………
Like pain that just keeps on going on…………

The only escape and the only good thing that happened to me in this one year of dismay was my food blog.

Snappedfood.

My blog made me happy. It was my only music in the depressing silent life I was living.

Project, term tests,submissions,viva for everything, I worked my ass off. I attended all lectures since my mom was called to college. I attended on days when there were only 2 kids in class. I sat thru lectures even when my head hurt. I sat alone for lectures. I sat on the first bench. I did everything I could.

The best part of this “testing period” ( a teacher on hearing my failures used this word) is that, I learned a lot. I learned how nothing in my life is ever going to come easy. I’ll have to slog and struggle for everything. There ain’t such thing as luck.

Those quotes of how even your shadow leaves in your dark times is true to the core,

Cos trust me nobody, NOBODY knows what you’re going thru, only you do.

There have been days when I haven’t done anything, haven’t eaten, got out of bed, showered and have had constant suicidal thoughts, but there have also been days when I’ve hustled & grinded.

The ones I thought would help silently walked away while the ones I was afraid to ask for help, offered help on their own. People who I never expected came into this storm and helped me thru and the ones I expected don’t even exist anymore to me.

I’m grateful to god for showing me these days, but I also request him to not show them again.

The past year has been horrible, I only hope the month of July is rewarding.

In the sound of the sea,
In the oceans of me,
I defined.
I designed.
My recovery.

P.S. This song has been my motivation. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry but I’ve never been this calm. (Wouldn’t have been if not for this song.)